Me Too

I wrote this post a long time ago and I now have the courage to share it because of the current #metoo movement. Perhaps you can relate and have the courage to share to remove the shame around sexual abuse that ensure it keeps happening.

My Story 

Last week I finished watching 13 Reasons Why on Netflix which explains the 13 reasons why a teenage girl commits suicide. 2 of them were alcohol induced rape. Whilst watching this something triggered a screaming to begin again in my brain that I had managed to shut out so expertly for a very long time.

I was staying with some good friends for the weekend, that night we'd all been drinking a lot of wine as we had done so together many times before in the past.  I'd gone to bed drunk.  I awoke and in that fleeting split second I remember the light from a streetlight outside framing a figure on top of me, silhoutted by the window. I didn't fight him off. I didn't scream. I shut down. In the morning I told myself it was all my fault. I was drunk, I can't remember what happened. I have to forget. I screamed silently in my own head for days until slowly it began to subside as I pushed the memory deeper.

Why did it take me so long to admit that I was raped?  I believed it was all my fault. I was so ashamed and scared of the consequences. I was so afraid to tell anyone, I thought my boyfriend would finish our relationship so I didn't dare to tell him. I loathed myself. I couldn't trust myself. For years I have had problems with intimacy and equating sex with love all because of what this man did to me.

The only thing that I can take responsbility for that night was that I drank too much. However this did not mean that I wanted to be sexually violated. This did not mean that my attacker had the right to take advantage of me. I knew him and trusted him. He was married, his wife and children were sleeping under the same roof.

I now understand that I was abused. I didn't want him to have sex with me. I didn't want him to ruin my sex life for years to come. I choose to stop believing that it was my fault because I was drunk, I choose to let go of the blame and shame, the guilt.

Rape and sexual assault is very rarely commited by a stranger attacking you in the street. It is more often than not someone that you know, someone that you trust.  It can happen to anyone and it is never acceptable. I hope that in telling my story I might help someone else to let go, move forward and get help.  

If I can help you in coming to terms with anything you can relate to here, do connect with me.