The difficulty in saying no and being a people pleaser

coaching connection Mar 28, 2020

This week I've been hearing from some amazing women who are starting to reclaim their own power, to stand up for themselves and to say no when things aren't right for them. It's been so exciting and empowering to hear their stories as they appreciate how this one simple act can make such a difference in their lives.

The difficulty in saying no and being a people pleaser

Society has been designed around the exploitation of the female and so if you find this particularly hard, it's no surprise, everything we experience as women points us back to the idea that the feminine is somehow less than the masculine, that as women we need to take a back seat, to accept, to conform, to be quiet, to not make a fuss, to worry about our appearance so that people (read men) will love us. Now I'm not against men at all, please don't get me wrong, but I am against the patriarchal society that we find ourselves in, Things are beginning to shift but it is up to us as women to help facilitate this change. 

I used to be the world's biggest people pleaser because I was convinced that if I actually stood up for what I wanted no-one would love me anymore. It was so deep set, this urge to be accepted and loved, it was as though I regressed into a little girl each time I was confronted with it. Time after time I suppressed my own needs and put others before me until I was completely unaware of what my needs actually were. I made myself invisible to please others. I erased parts of myself to be accepted. I dyed my hair as blonde as I could, I fretted about my appearance, dieting and becoming obsessed with my weight when I was already extremely thin, I wore clothes that I thought were attractive to men, I wanted to be loved and accepted. 

In doing that I obliterated my very essence, my femininity, my divinity, my GODDESS.

Over the years I have learnt how to accept, listen and love myself, including my femininity, to embrace all that I am and to not try and change to conform to someone else's ideals. I would like to share a few things with you that can help you to tap into this source of power for yourself. 

  • Ask yourself the question - where am I conforming to something that I don't really believe in? And wait for the answers. I find journalling really helps me to find my answers. 
  • Once you find some answers ask yourself how can you do something differently to be more true to yourself.

  • If you struggle with these 2 questions, get out into nature, get your feet in contact with the ground, the wind in your hair and then contemplate them once more.  

  • You can also take a look at this blog post which gives you a further exercise to follow if you are struggling. 

Take steps to embrace your whole self. You are the one that you are searching for. You won't be disappointed.